Valley Side

Dark garnet with an undeniable brick edge. Staining orange. THE flabbiest nose I have smelt on a Napa Cab in a LONG while. Flat-out rotten fruit. PB&J left on the sidewalk to burn, fake grape jelly with a layer of latex mold and on fire. There’s a sharp briar to it that is slowly gaining momentum from underneath, but with it it brings more heat and an awkward sort of soybean crunchiness not quite vegetal, definitely not barnyard, not really plasticine and not cardboard. Have you ever made soymilk and eaten one of the beans before processing? Yeah, like that. But there’s this moldy green layer on the whored-out fruit.

I’m really shocked by a couple things, obviously. I know Mountainside is a second label, but still. I also know 2012 is kinda the white-trash sister of ’98, and I always go into them with a bit of expectation, but NOT apprehension… YET. The apprehension is saved for 10 years and on. This thing shouldn’t be doing any of the things it is doing. Unless of course it was designed for the Prisoner demo and in that case it was gone 5 years ago.

Let’s taste it, shall we? Maybe it will be so gorgeous I will close my eyes and plug my nose like that fat kid jumping off the diving board in his T-shirt and chug the whole thing blissfully. The fruit is honestly much less obese in the mouth. It’s one-dimensional and sweet though, and almost immediately a bitter green surge rises up from the back of your tongue, sharp and all-obliterating. Are those supposed to be tannins? It’s like burning a pine-cone in your eye-socket while juggling Big-Gulps and listening to Kenny G.

This is wine gone awry. This is a wine the 99% will adore, lavishing praise on the curvy fruit, fondling its early senility and desperately guiding the pretense of structure into folds of blissful presumptiveness while extolling its dangerous lack of virtue to all who will listen. Yeah–you know that guy.

2012 ACUMEN Cabernet Sauvignon ‘Mountainside’ Napa Valley 14.0

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