Caymus for 1/9th the price

I know I am going to disappoint a lot of people here, as you’re all salivating about the review I ostensibly would write DESTROYING this wine, but I can’t do it. Sorry. It’s not that bad. Oh it’s horrible–don’t get me wrong–but in the grand scheme of things the 99% want to drink and consider *wine* it is not THAT offensive. A shocking shade of purple in the glass: ridiculously DAY-GLO purple. Nice meaty nose, good toasty oak treatment, rich fruit syrup with tiny bits of fermentation-ish dankness clearly defining it as wine–not merely fruit juice. Not shriekingly off-putting, not gaggingly ghastly in its cloyingness, not even obviously fake or contrived. It’s Caymus. It’s flat-out fucking Caymus. Smells identical–even LOOKS like it. A dusty glow rides over the Hawaiian Punch forwardness–even a bit of barnyard–dampening the sweetness obvious even in the nose.

I don’t buy a lot of wines like this, I try them as often as I can–but usually taste them at parties and shops and such–because most of the darling-child’s of the bigger-is-better, RIGHTEOUS JUICE BRO, drink-what-you-like, fake sugar-addled bullshit bottles are not particularly cheap and while I would love to line up all the Saldos and Palermos and whatever red gash blend is hot this week and cruise through them in the name of enlightenment, I have FARRRRRR better things to do with my wine-budget. And I honestly don’t care what the 99% drinks. Fortunately, they are opened for me often enough to have experience enough to talk of them and hand out asterisks to those who like them. But when I saw this bottle for 10.99 I couldn’t resist. Everything about it offends me–the label, the hype, the brand, the bottle, the app–including the people who drink it. But it’s Caymus. Nearly identical.

In the mouth, the rosy glow of purple attaches itself to the rich cherry in syrupy ways which defy construction in any cellar I have worked in. This thing is 15g/l or I’m a monkey’s uncle. A certain dry rasp coats the middle, again telling me it is not indeed Capri-Sun but actual wine. The bitter grasp gives it major points, but does little to quell the sweetness. It doesn’t smell like shit, it doesn’t taste like shit, other than the RS there are no visible flaws. It’s perfect wine. It’s Caymus. I’m telling you: It’s Caymus. Slightly less tannin, but otherwise identical. Taste them both and tell me I’m wrong.

2019 19 CRIMES ‘Cali Red’ PS/zin California 14.1

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