Liquid Jack Kevorkian

An expected shade of clear, dark, somewhat staining ruby out to the thinning edges.  Nose of equal parts electrical fire and public restroom, with predictable, artificially-flavored warm, raw beef and black cherry underlying an injection of rich oak to boggle the n00b and to convince the suspect.  It has been many years, but I have had Lockwood before, and the plasticine elegance and varietal vagueness are as I remember.  The hipster label with a name carefully derived from palate-suggestive-semantics is the only change.  So, it comes as no surprise the young wine-slinger plastering my FaceBook wall with verbose, romantic descriptions of this wine–and your civic DUTY to buy it in large quantities before the ground-floor opportunity he is presenting forever expires–has turned his attention to Sliver Oak’s release party this weekend.  In the mouth, I am wondering if actual grapes were used or if the minds-behind merely distilled the chipped contents of a CalTrans truck after clearing a rural road-side.  There is a bitterness present–from start to “”””finish”””” (<–giant air-quotes) which is not my beloved Alexander Valley Cab bitter or Anderson Valley Pinot bitter.  It is chewable aspirin bitter–only you accidentally grabbed the ones intended for swallowing.  The contents of said truck could have *possibly* contained a decomposing raccoon or two–as this is the extent of the ‘ripe’ flavors.  Miserably meager across the middle–no fruit or anything resembling a grape-derived product–just more watery bitterness slinking off into the acrid sunset.  The Grape Connection lad pumping this stuff (names changed to protect the guilty) on phasebook is selling it by the truckload for “17.95 even though it it blows the socks off Napa Cabs three times the price”.  His qualifications to do so stem from his dad attending grammar-school with Charles Krug.  When I saw it at my corner Allahu Akbar for 12.99, it was futile to resist.  While a couple clicks better than the Vina Robles Red4 I had at lunch, this stuff is still pure poison.

2011 LIQUID VELVET Red Wine Lockwood Vineyard Monterey Co. 13.5

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